The comfort of being naked - living a vulnerable life
We decided to huddle and learn about each other, instead of going to Anjuna beach. And it was magical.
"My mom, in a fit of rage, said she was done with my antics and asked me to get out of the house. The angry young man that I was, I couldn't bear the insult and I left my home with no idea what to do. I spent half a day working as a bus conductor in the city, slept overnight in that bus itself. I later realised it was hard for me to keep away from my family, and came back home to a crying mother who was waiting for me."
"It was painful to see my grand-mom giving two jalebis to my brother, while keeping barely one on my plate. She couldn't have been more discriminating to a 10 year old girl child. According to her, my brother was meant to be taking the lineage forward and I was meant to be married off to another family and her actions clearly showed that."
"Studying in a school that bred a culture of unabashedly shaming the kids performed below average in academics, I was made to believe that I'm not fit for the challenges in this life by my teachers and classmates. I was a dyslexic, a misfit there."
These are bits and pieces from the stories shared individually by a group of people - some of them celebrated operators and founders from the Software-as-a-Service (SaaS) industry in India. I volunteer with them at SaaSBOOMi, Asia's largest pay-it-forward community of SaaS entrepreneurs and we were having a team retreat in Goa couple of weeks back. The volunteers form the backbone for the numerous events and initiatives that SaaSBOOMi run for the SaaS startup ecosystem every year and I'm fortunate to be collaborating with them on some really exciting projects.
On the second day of the retreat, our plan after breakfast was to visit Anjuna beach that was 10 kms from our den. That's when Avinash, a founding volunteer at SaaSBOOMi proposed the idea of staying back at the place and spending 30 mins for each volunteer to share some of the most personal experiences they've undergone, the painful moments that really moulded them into what they are today. The next 6 hours were magical. Everyone opened up about their most vulnerable stories, sharing their deepest insecurities. It changed everything. We entered the place as well behaved strangers, polite yet cautious. But we left the place being comfortable looking at each other with compassion and warmth. What the hell happened? It seemed like courage to be vulnerable happened.
Vulnerability is not weakness
The first time I was intrigued by the notion of vulnerability is when I learned about the works of Dr. Brené Brown. She argues that people who have a sense of self-worth, who have learnt to live life in a wholesome manner, tend to display courage and compassion in their endeavours. They are able to connect with others, the ability coming with a deeper sense of empathy for self and others around self. And Dr. Brown positions vulnerability to be at the epicenter of why they are able to lead meaningful lives. To begin with let's try and understand what vulnerability means. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word vulnerability is derived from the Latin word vulnerare, meaning "to wound." The definition goes like:
Vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. It means to be "capable of being wounded" and "open to attack or damage".
My understanding of vulnerability couldn't have been farther away from reality for all these adult years. I used to think it's the same as being weak. The word weakness is defined by Merriam-Webster as "the inability to withstand attack or wounding". When you are vulnerable, it's true that you are putting yourself in a position of possible weakness, but they are not the same thing. To add to my misinterpretation, in the software industry we are primed to the notion of vulnerability being an opportunity that can be exploited for a security breach. It's supposed to be something that needs 'fixing'. There's nothing wrong with that definition, just that it focuses on a specific set of undesirable consequences of being vulnerable. Weakness can be a consequence of being in a state of vulnerability. However, let's take a moment to reflect - In life, are there desirable consequences of being vulnerable? I think yes. Let me try to explain this in the context of the story I started with.
Key to winning the hard games
When Avinash initiated the discussion by sharing his personal experiences, he was setting an example for others. He was giving others the comfort of sharing their own moments, and there by setting a standard for how authentic or real one could go with his or her stories. This snowballed into a day-long session with everyone in the room sharing their most personal experiences. Why did this matter?
We now know each other. We understand where each of us come from. We become less judgemental with each other when we collaborate. We won't raise our guards or get defensive when we are given critical feedback on our work. We will be open to listening to others in the team. We trust each other and believe that we will have each other's back. We will be there for each other.
The above claims are tall ones. Like the tallest Sequoia trees. This is what a married couple would love to say about each other in their lives, or what the best friends would like to think about their friendship. But I have to admit I got a slice of this when all of us sat around that table and listened to each others' stories. It was like being "naked" in a group and we all dread that dream where we are having to helplessly walk around in the public naked. But that nakedness opened up a new level of comfort and understanding in that group of volunteers. Now, how does this help? I'll begin with a question.
What are some of the hardest games that you can play in this world? I would argue they are the ones that need a team to play together. They score over the individual games because we believe that in a team game, there's a possibility of the outcome being something more than the sum of individual parts put together (something like the 1+1 > 2 effect). Most of our favourite underdog stories in the movies have that element of collective force being bigger the individual forces put together. And the hardest part in a team game is the team itself - gathering a group of people with their own minds and motivations aligned together with a mission.
I believe every endeavour where you have multiple stakeholders or participants, is a team game - be it your marriage, your startup, your extended family, your community and so on. And to put your best foot forward as a team, it's important to know your team. And the best way to know your team is to open up to them, be vulnerable and show the courage to share your difficult stories that defines you. Trust me - others in your team would reciprocate at some point, lower their guards, and share their stories too. That's when magic starts - the magic of vulnerability.
~Matthew
Recommended read: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
Recommended watch: The power of vulnerability by Brené Brown